The Last Meal

Today I have eaten over one thousand kcals. I’ve only burnt off half off what I have eaten, and I haven’t purged. Although I know that later in the month, when my monthly deadline looms closer, I will regret this. But today is symbolic of the food that most people are satisfied with eating on a regular basis. I feel like I have binged and have gained a million pounds.

The reason for all this?

Sitting beside me on my bed, unopened, lies my results. The questionaires. The information on EDs.

In one hour, when my final meal has gone down and I cannot succumb to the urge to purge (which I will inevitably be driven to after seeing the results), I shall open the dreaded thing.

So long, I’ve waited for this, and still it feels too soon.

Tonight I went to a charity concert at my old school, and the acts were mindblowing. There was some talent that I couldn’t believe. My boyfriend, being part of the show, was amazing, and I was so proud. But there was this one guy…my first proper crush, ironically (because at the time he had been a sports guy, part of the ‘cool’ people, but now he’s a musician, and if I had known he had it in him then I might have shown a deeper interest in his personality and tried to get to know him); he was…the things he did with that acoustic guitar would put Newton Faulker to shame.

Anyway, back to food: I’m going to cook dinner tomorrow, but I’m not going to eat it because it won’t be at the table. I won’t eat anything. I will tidy the house, burn off at least 500 kcals on my stepper, and sort out my stuff for my trip with my boyfriend on Friday. On Friday I will have a banana for breakfast, burn off 1000 kcals in the gym throughout the day, and then have soup for dinner (I have to have something because I’ll be with my boyfriend and he needs to eat) – no bread.

Saturday…I starve. Sunday….I’m too ‘ill’ to eat, and yet again, I starve.

What I’m trying to do is break up the starvation sections so that my metabolism keeps going. This is very important in that I need it to actually process the foods and burn fat.

It’s getting hard to pass the time.

Half an hour has gone. Less, probably. I need more time. I feel like a bomb is ticking, ticking, ticking.