I ate dinner. The dinner was at the table, I had no choice. It gets worse. There was desert, and no break in between. I feel like I have eaten an entire animal. A cow or horse or similar. My stomach is on fire, I’ve self-harmed already, more to come I’m sure, and I feel like killing myself.
It was a gorgeous pasta dish, followed by an even more gorgeous lemon desert.
The desert though…was made from CREAM.
I was willing to not purge. Then came the moment that they told me about desert, and I knew that I would. It’s too late to purge up dinner now really, and I feel too weak to. Tomorrow and that week, I’m going over-drive on the exercise and starvation. I’m cooking on Thursday, but that’s okay because I’ll have it as a non-table meal.
I feel sick. I actually feel sick.
My stomach hurts, my eyes hurt, my muscles ache…I feel like sh*t.
…….
Just been to the loo, had to run because my stomach hurt so much. After a long period of abusing laxatives, I recognised the feeling, lets put it that way. The only worrying thing about it, was that it was red. Is that like blood or something??
I am really messing my body up.
I cried when I realised that I had to eat. I almost screamed, actually. I searched frantically for ED support lines to call, but it’s a Sunday, so it wasn’t to be. I talked to my boyfriend, and he didn’t help.
I needed help in that moment and I had no where to turn. It was the first time I have ever asked for help, and no one was there to hear it.
Push A Little Harder...Get A Little Thinner 