Gooseberry and the Rainbow Diet

I just found the Rainbow Diet, and it looks like something I want to do. Starving for a whole week is fun and all, but it f**ks your metabolism up. This is less than 700 kcals per week, but it looks really yummy (if sparse – but better than starving, right?).

Last night my friend and her boyfriend stayed the night (my boyfriend came along too but had to leave in the evening). It was…awful. He got drunk off hardly anything, and got really touchy with her, which made her really uncomfrotable. They didn’t do anything whilst I was in the room, thank god, but it was enough to feel uncomfortable. I hadn’t wanted him to come in the first place, but if it was going to be the four of us I didn’t mind.

But obviously I wasn’t thinking, because I knew that my bf had to leave, it just slipped my mind and I found myself in a hole. I just kept digging it and digging it. I had had such a bad day.

I had been at my grandparents, and had my results back. They want me to have extensive medicals and a joint session with me and my mum so that I can ”tell her how I feel”. I need blood tests and everything to check that my health hasn’t been affected by the laxatives. I was living off them for like, six months…

I bought a pretty dress yesterday though, to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have because it was from money that I owe my mum, but I needed a pick-me-up. Although I’m a little worried that my legs will look fat. But that’s just me being silly, I know that people don’t give a s**t what I look like. It’s just me. The dress is too pretty for them to care. There are bigger girls in my drama group anyway, and they wear dresses and look goreous, so why can’t I?

I got back yesterday with my friends, and my dad was home from abroad. He had just arrived and was in an awful mood. Really surly and rude. He humiliated me in front of my friends, asking them rhetorical questions that made me sound like a horrible person. He made me sound like a complete bitch, and he slagged off our family to them in a really sly way. They felt really uncomfortable and I felt like crying.

Talk about the good of the dress fizzling out.

He had a go at me, for nothing may I add, and when I got angry and told him how he humiliated me in front of my friends, he just said, “I know, you deserve it.” For what?! Seriously? The cat had ‘gone’ on the floor by the bottom of the stairs, and someone had APARANTLY stepped in it. We got back when he was cleaning it up in a foul mood. Well, I said, mum and I weren’t the last to be at the house, my sister was, and so he should ask her when she gets back. He wouldn’t listen. He’d made the assumption that it was me in his head, and he wouldn’t let it go.

He was SO rude!

I haven’t seen him so rude and angry in such a long time and this was NOT the right time, day, place for it. I said to him after he said about me deserving humiliation, “look, ive had a bad day and i DO NOT deserve this”. I wanted to cry the entire evening.

I was so glad that my boyfriend was there, even if just at the beginning. He held me so tightly and kissed me. He let me press my face in his shoulder and not breathe for a little bit. I didn’t cry on him, but only because he was there. I wasn’t alone. Then he left, and I have never missed someone more.

Then this morning once my friend & bf left, my mum accused me of lying to her and “duping” her into having my friend’s bf back just so that they could have sex! They aren’t allowed to sleep at each other’s houses, but it doesn’t stop them having sex! Their parents know full well what they are doing! He stays at hers til one in the morning every day, and I can’t imagine them being quiet.

Mum accused me of “letting people use our house as a shagpad”. How f***ing ridiculous!!

I’m not eating today. Tomorrow neither. Then on Monday, I’m starting the Rainbow Diet. I don’t care what they think anymore. They don’t trust me, and I have done nothing wrong. That anger that has been building that I talked of? It has burst, and I am externally angry as well as internally. And this time, I’m not going to focus on cutting my arms up to look like I’ve been tortured by some sadist, but I’m going to be angry with them. Because they are why I am angry, and I don’t see why I should take the brunt of it anymore. I’m not angry at myself like usual. I am angry at them, and it has been a long time since I have been angry with ANYONE let alone both parents at once.

I’m usually so contained. So, in myself. I hate myself and I punish myself.

Now I hate them too, and they will feel it. They will feel it like a lead bullet to the brain, because the one thing they can’t stand is not getting their way, and I’m not following their rules anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. Consider me done.