Depression Causes Failure

I’m feeling really low right now. I fell asleep and didn’t get up early enough to grab a lift with my mum into town. I was going to burn 2000 kcals today at the gym. It’s almost two o’clock in the afternoon now, and I’m at home, moping. I can’t believe I fell asleep! I couldn’t go in like I was, I needed to dye my hair first.

I dyed it blonde over red the other day and boy that didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t but my boyfriend wanted me to try anyway so I did. Now I look like a SunnyD advert. White blonde roots (where it dyed my natural blonde hair) and red, blonde, orange and gingery tones everywhere else. It looks like fire. Or some strange bird of parasise.

I’m feeling really horrible. Everything is really bad at the moment and last night tops it all of really. After throwing up my desert, and keeping my dinner in (I figured that after five days fasting I could afford it and I was going to gym it away anyway), I ate five bananas. Bananas are my only weakness.

I still don’t want food.

There is nothing in it that appeals to me. What I do want, is to buy my own set of scales. That way I don’t have to creep into the bathroom and weigh myself. The scales we have make a noise when you stand on them because they are old, and so everyone upstairs knows what you are doing. I have to edge myself onto them when it’s late at night, otherwise they’ll guess about my obsession.

Today I’m not going to eat.

There aren’t amazing amount of kcals I can burn from the stepper in my room, not in my weakish state, but I’ll try for 1000. I’ll just keep hopping onto it all day. While on my break I’ll make a fake meal, and make it huge, like a full on binge. I won’t eat it of course, but I’ll leave it out so that it’s there waiting for them when they get home. Maybe I’ll open a can of macaroni cheese and have it with toast…then I’ll make a fake breakfast, cereals and toast. I’ll leave snack evidence in the living room.The banana skins, maybe.

I’ll also dye my hair just before they get back, and say that I was eating whilst waiting for it to settle. I don’t know. Anything to avoid eating. I feel really weird. My stomach is like relaxing, but at the same time it’s beginning to show the first signs of hunger. Which is stupid because after all the time, it should have got used to being hungry.

Although to be honest, I think that it’ll pass and it won’t be hungry for most of today. I mean with the amount I ate yesterday, compared to the four previous days? Come on! That was a feast! My stomach should have shrunk and be grateful for that for days!

Can’t believe I could have worked out 800 kcals already. Cannot believe it.

I’m such a loser.