You know the type of crying where it reaches your stomach and you can’t stop or breathe? I’ve been like this for about half an hour now. I wanted a family bike ride and I got it. I just wanted everyone to be happy. Together. It obviously isn’t meant to be because it couldn’t have gone more wrong.

My sister ruined it by getting angry and childish and running off. Well, cycling off, but it’s the same thing. Only, it got worse because it started to rain, and instead of staying in the car and waiting for it to pass like my parents (and I had the plans not changed), she decided to go all attention seeking and cycle off. So I followed her because she had refused to wear her helmet because it was making her ‘hot and faint’ – again, it’s early april in england and its raining. Only, not only did it rain, it hailed.

So we’re out there on the track in the pouring rain and spitting hail, her only wearing a little top and tracksuit bottoms. She thinks she’s so cool. She did all of it just to piss us off. I know she did, a stranger would have known the signs. Typical teen. Fun, yeah? Hardly.

We got back, and sat in the car. It stopped raining. She started jumping about all hyper, rubbing our annoyance and upset in our faces as she sang made up tunes. I sat in the car as they put the biked back on the rack. We couldn’t keep going now, we were soaked – her especially. Had she not acted like a self rightous idiot we could have carried on. But no.

I sat there, and I started to cry. No one knew – far too preoccupied. It became obvious though, even though I had my hood pulled over my head, because I didn’t stop the entire 30 minutes drive home. Not counting the time before we left. And after, when I had to sit alone in the garden because I couldn’t wait for them to open the door before another burst came.

When she got into the car, everyone was so annoyed with her. Dad was furious. We were soaked through and I was clearly livid. It was only when she said, “how come when I do a “stupid thing” I get shouted at, but when she does, she gets pity?”. I told her to f**k off, (I really was livid, it had brought back all my anger that I find so hard to deal with as it is), and she replied, “why don’t you just go take some pills?”

And then everything turned. Anger disappeared to be replaced by this heartwrenching pain inside me that I have tried so hard to deny. I have tried so hard to be happy, to be better, and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I have tried and tried, and all I wanted was to make everything better after what happened.

My throat is caught and I can’t breathe.

All I ended up thinking, and I would cry when seeing where I was still, was, “if only I had waited a couple more hours, I wouldn’t be here right now. The pain would have gone and they would be burying me in the ground, instead of trying so hard to love me. If only…if only…if only I hadn’t asked for help.”

All I can see is endless weekends lasting forever and never ending. Weekends where I see people that ‘love’ me, and try to be happy. Weeks and weeks and weekends and weekends of trying and trying to be brave and keep smiling. But it isn’t fake smiles now, because that isn’t the point. It has to be real, I have to be better. I don’t think I can though. I don’t think I’ll ever be better.

I’m a wreck. She’s right. I’m pitiful.