Self harm is a cycle. I don’t even know why I do it anymore. I want to cut so badly, but I know that if I cut on my arm, I won’t feel anything. The pain has stopped. I’ve cut through the skin too many times. I started on the upside of my arm when I had no room on the underside. Now the underside has healed, but there are scars left.

I can’t win.

I wish I had never started cutting, but while they are there, I end up thinking, “Why not? I have to hide my arm anyway.” Like I said, it’s a cycle. But the pain has gone and so it isn’t working. I’m scared that it’ll get to a point when I start cutting my legs again. I don’t like cutting my legs because it means I’m self concious when with my boyfriend. He knows I cut my arm, and so he helps by not looking at it. He accepts it when I hide my arm, and put a top back on when we go to sleep.

But I can’t start on my legs again, not with him being so good about my arm.

I already have scars on my legs. I’m fighting a losing battle, but it seems I’m fighting for the wrong team. I’m fighting me.