I’ve starved for five days now, although it’s only the afternoon at the moment. I can see myself either purging, or chucking my food away tonight. Today is the difficult day. My sister is cooking the meal, as a Mother’s Day gift, and she’s cooking a pasta dish. Now, pasta is not usually a table meal for us, but because she’s cooking, we might eat all together just for her. I hope not, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

I’m really not fond of the idea of purging a whole creamy meal up, and to be honest, eating it in itself is making me feel nausious. The ‘chicken carcus’ from last night, that was actually duck. I was counting on us having duck and pancakes tonight, so I could eat in my room.

I’m a bit scared actually. I don’t want it in my mouth. I want it as far away from me as possible, and I don’t want it to break my self-control. I have been so good these past five days, and I have really been rewarded for it. I’ve dropped 9lbs in the past five days, and I can’t believe that the one craving I had was completely gone as soon as I saw the food. Everything is working so perfectly and I am so worried that having one meal will change that. Although, I actually have a feeling I will be okay.

I have a feeling that because I’ve seen how good this is, I can do it. I’m not hungry.

I can’t make an excuse today, I have to eat it. If we are together, then I will have to eat it. I will have a small portion obviously, but I will have to eat it in front of them. I won’t get time to enjoy it. My first meal. It will be horrible. I will be on the verge of tears the entire time, I can tell I will. For the first time, food scares me.

Purging is a much nicer thought than the image of having anything in my stomach.

I used to love my food so much when I was younger. Even recently I have loved my food. I loved food, I just couldn’t cope with the repercussions of what food did. I couldn’t bear the thought of weight gain, but I could still eat. So when did this switch flip?

I’m scared of eating.